Hetherbether's Blog

This year I will rely on myself to make me happy. This year I will keep my head up when I walk. This year I will take a yoga class. This year I will learn French, if only enough to turn my girlfriend on. This year I will remember. This year I will not fill my head with illusions. This year I will make beautiful art. This year I will not let small things upset me. This year I will get into college. This year I will read and write and watch movies and draw. This year I will taste the most amazing foods. This year I will not expect myself to be perfect every second of every waking hour. This year I will change for the better. This year I will gain control, financially. This year I will get another tattoo. This year I will look around me, and not stay trapped inside my head. This year I will grow as a person. This year I will not let anyone hold me back. This year I will stick to what I say. This year I will be respected.

This year is mine.

These are just some quotes that really mean something to me, and hope one day to have some permanently etched into my skin. The bold ones are the ones I reeeeally want.

“Sometimes I wish for falling, wish for the release
Wish for falling through the air to give me some relief
Because falling’s not the problem, when I’m falling I’m at peace
It’s only when I hit the ground it causes all the grief”
— Florence + The Machine

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?”
— Kahlil Gibran

“The greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.”
— Roald Dahl

Killing Yourself To Live

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
— Plato

“It is as if he had spent his entire life wondering what he looked like, without ever discovering there are such things as mirrors.”
— Walter Benjamin on Franz Kafka

When
you wake up
from death,
you will find yourself
in my arms,
and
I will be
kissing you,
and
I
will be crying.
— RICHARD BRAUTIGAN

I’m going to die
of starvation, of hypothermia, of loneliness, of lack of inspiration, of lost abilities, of wanting you, of dry skin, of dirty clothes, of thirst, of an overdose, of alcoholism, of bad critique, of procrastination, of cancer, of remembering, of desperation.

Never regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience.
— Victoria Holt

Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.
— Fyodor Dostoevsky

I almost wish we were butterflies and liv’d but three summer days —three such days with you I could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain.
— John Keats, Letter to Fanny Brawne, July 1, 1819

“Humans are born alone. We think alone and die alone.”

“In a society that has abolished all adventure, the only adventure left is to abolish that society.”

The breaking of a wave cannot explain the whole sea.
— Vladimir Nabokov

“Affliction comes to us, not to make us sad but sober; not to make us sorry but wise.”
Henry Ward Beecher

“I’d rather fight with you, than kiss anyone else”

“The world is not dangerous because of those who do harm but because of those who look at it without doing anything.”
Albert Einstein

“Everybody is a genius. But, if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
Albert Einstein <— DEFINITELY GETTING THIS.

"It is because I am free that I am lost."

“Unless we remember, we cannot understand.”
E. M. Forster

A continuation from the previous blog:

A thought just crossed my mind, “Why does everyone else sound so much.. better than me?”

Fuck this. This is pathetic. Who fucked me up so much that I can’t feel good about myself anymore? More importantly.. why am I scared to find out who it is?

I doubt too much. I don’t believe in myself the way I should. I deserve it, I know I do, but I don’t want to believe that I do. I don’t know why. Do I put myself through these rituals of self-pity and self-doubt for the attention of others? I’m not quite sure. I don’t want to be so hard on myself, and I don’t want people to feel sorry for me.

I need to change, but I’m not sure where to start.

You know, it kind of makes me feel sad and very very small to know that I’ve never had an original thought in my life.

I hate being bored.

After seeing the movie Precious, my problems seem stupid and insignificant.

That’s all I have to say.

This is incredibly accurate. I’m actually a little surprised on how fucking good this is at describing me. http://alabe.com/freechart/

Rising Sign is in 20 Degrees Sagittarius
You are known for being open, frank, outgoing and honest. At times, though, you are also blunt and quite indiscreet. Others have to learn not to take everything you say personally, because you usually do not mean any harm. You appreciate living your life in a straightforward and simple manner — you dislike social niceties and consider them to be hindrances to real communication. You have lots and lots of energy and tend to become quite restless if you feel confined. You demand the freedom to do as you choose — you must be self- directed or you feel trapped and anxious. With your abundant energy, you enjoy being outdoors, and you should be attracted to physical exercise or to those forms of sport which can help you burn off some of that excess energy. Very gregarious, you love to socialize — your innate enthusiasm livens up any gathering.

Sun is in 06 Degrees Scorpio.
Intense and complex by nature, you have extremely strong emotional reactions to most situations. Feelings are often very difficult for you to verbalize. Therefore you have a tendency to be very quiet – - to brood and think a lot. You seldom get overtly angry, but, when you do, you are furious and unforgiving. When you make an emotional commitment, it is total — you are not attracted to superficial or casual relationships. If you are challenged, you take it as a personal affront and tend to lash out and fight back in a vengeful manner. You love mysteries and the supernatural. A good detective, you love getting to the roots of problems and you enjoy finding out what makes other people tick. You are known to be very willful, very powerful and quite tenacious!

Moon is in 11 Degrees Leo.
You always want to be proud of yourself and will never do anything that will make yourself look bad. You need the respect and admiration of others and enjoy attracting attention to yourself. Everything you do tends to be self-emphasized and self-exaggerated. Very stubborn, willful and independent yourself, be sure to allow others who are close to you the similar right to “be themselves.” Your need for love, affection and reassurance, and your tendency toward vanity, allow you to have your head easily turned by flattery. The more insecure you are, the more you tend to be a showoff. You love games and sports as a matter of fact, you would usually rather play than work. Be careful of a tendency to be snobbish and uppity — it does not become you.

Mercury is in 23 Degrees Scorpio.
You are a born investigator. You are fascinated by secrets and mysteries and unanswered questions of any kind. When you become upset or angry, your emotional reactions are overpowering — reason and logic disappear in an uncontrollable passionate outburst. You tend to keep your thoughts secret and bottled up and this makes others regard you with suspicion. It is not that you are trying purposely to be evasive, it is just that you would rather not deal with the explosions and hassles that often occur when you reveal your true feelings and opinions. Your sense of humor tends toward sarcasm and irony.

Venus is in 20 Degrees Virgo.
You express your love and affection through selfless service to people or causes. You have a tendency to underestimate yourself and doubt your self-worth. This is very demeaning and should be avoided — learn to love yourself as well as you do others. Your standards of perfection are very high — you are attracted to relationships based on duty and responsibility. You are super critical of yourself and others and, at times, prefer to be alone rather than deal with any imperfections in yourself or in those with whom you might relate.

Mars is in 09 Degrees Scorpio.
Your likes and dislikes are strong and intense, never casual or superficial. You are known for your persistence and willful obsession. Once you have decided on a course of action, you are unstoppable. Your emotional actions tend to be extreme, although you try to keep them muted. You are not quick to anger, you do slow burns. And you tend to release your anger as sarcasm or irony. Beware of your tendency to hold grudges and to be vengeful. When you do fight, or release your internal tensions, you do so body and soul — you become totally passionate and your outbursts are awesome to behold.

Jupiter is in 09 Degrees Virgo.
You feel most expansive and at ease with yourself when you are doing something that you consider to be practical or useful. You enjoy being dutiful and carrying out responsibilities. You gladly take on the little tasks that others seem to want to avoid. At times, you carry things to extremes and feel guilty anytime you do something that you consider to be self-indulgent. While it is appropriate for you to demand little for yourself in life, try to loosen up once in a while — go out on a fling and enjoy yourself!

Saturn is in 00 Degrees Aquarius.
Your personal sense of values is a reflection of the value structures of your peer group and of those you respect and admire. Try to be more critical in your acceptance of these values — you tend to prejudge the abilities of those you trust and then follow what they say blindly. Basically very conservative, you prefer orderly, systematic changes and fear doing things rashly or impulsively. Ideas and philosophies must have some sort of immediately realizable, utilitarian function in order for you to pay any attention to them.

Uranus is in 10 Degrees Capricorn.
You, and your peer group as well, seek out practical solutions to a changing society’s attitudes to customs, traditions and authority structures. Your logical and orderly manner of dealing with these matters will result in permanent and carefully planned, but sweeping, reforms.

Neptune is in 14 Degrees Capricorn.
You, and your entire generation, will idealize work, practicality and the ability to attain reasonable goals. But, because you will also stress the need to be selfless and giving, you may find it difficult to attain your goals unless you have lowered your expectations on all fronts.

Pluto is in 19 Degrees Scorpio.
For your entire generation, this is a period of intense research and discovery in areas that were heretofore considered mysterious, remote or taboo. The root causes for many complex occurrences will be unearthed due to the intensity and thoroughness of the search.

N. Node is in 12 Degrees Capricorn.
You rarely get involved closely with anyone unless he or she has something specific and practical to offer you. You tend to be “all business” when it comes to dealing with others. You’re usually so intently focused on a particular goal that you rarely have time for social niceties or casual fellowship. But you can definitely be counted on by others to get things done. When you say that you’ll do something, you do it. As such, you’re a valuable member of any team situation and will probably rise to a position of leadership within the group. Your trustworthiness and sense of responsibility are unquestioned. But do try to avoid the temptation to “use” others to reach your goals — they might come to resent you.

I’m also going to put some pretty pictures up. Enjoy.

I do like Otep. Oh yes, I do I do. But I honestly haven’t listened to any of her albums since Carlos was around. And even then, I didn’t really listen to it.

I can’t stop listening to Shattered Pieces. I feel like I’m neglecting the rest of the House of Secrets album. I’m sorry, album. I have not forgotten about you. I’m sure you’re beautiful.

A brief update on my life:
My birthday was a few days ago. I can now legally stay out past midnight and buy tobacco products and get into strip clubs. So far I’ve only taken advantage of two of those three things.

Halloween was spectacular. The house looked great, Kelsea looked absolutely amazing, and she said I was pretty easy on the eyes as well.

I go to Virginia in a couple days. My mother can’t afford a one way ticket, so I’ll be traveling all day on Wednesday and also when I come back next Tuesday. It’ll be quiet exhausting, I’m sure. I’m switching planes in Chicago, though, so that should be somewhat nifty.

I’m very excited, though, to see my family and the beach and the house that I love so much.

I’m going to miss Kelsea.. a lot.. Not too excited about her absence. :[

I’m home now. The time I’ve spent with Kelsea and the past few days (or weeks, who knows?) have begun to blur together as of late. I’m not sure when I was home last, or where I’ll be sleeping tonight.

I’ve been at home for a couple hours now.. and I haven’t done shit. I need to get started getting ready for school tomorrow, sleeping preparations for tonight, where ever that may be, and leaving for Virginia in a few days.

Too-da-loo, mothafuckas.

I should be getting ready for tomorrow, so I can wake up before dawn to go and see her, but I’ve just been sitting here listening to Suga Suga by Baby Beesh, and the rest of my MySpace profile songs. These past couple days have been absolutely amazing. Before, when things were bad, before certain things were realized, I used to think about Kelsea and all her other girlfriends, how they’d call each other every night, or how they’d make up names for each other and joke and tease and love each other, and I would think about how badly I wanted to be on the receiving end of that love, of that beautiful face and that beautiful body, to have her love me and care for me even just in the slightest. Now I get to have it, all to myself. When she kisses me and tells me she loves me, I get so happy, it makes me a little dizzy. When she leaves me little notes in my lunch or randomly texts me to tell me that she loves me, I can’t help but smile so big. She’s all I want, all I need. I love the fact that I can see her all the time, and that she never gets sick of me. I love the fact that she’s just as crazy about me as I am about her. I love the fact that we can work through anything, and that she makes me so so soo happy.

In fact, I just read her MySpace status, and it made me giggle out loud, and it gave me butterflies in my stomach.

I try so hard to make her happy, to show her that I’m all hers, that she’s the one I leave my heart with while she’s gone, that I hope that we’re together for a long time to come. <3

Let the world know: I’m in love with Kelsea Lee Kuuleilani Rosa. And I couldn’t be happier. :]