There’s sex, making love, and fucking. And then there’s you.

There’s sex, making love, and fucking. And then there’s you. | June 15, 2010

I am so very tired of never being good enough, whatever the reason. It seems that though I am better to the ones that are worse for me, and worse to the ones that are better for me. Kristen told me something today that really stuck with me. She said, “I made a list of what I want from a partner. When I am all those things, I will be ready for a relationship.”

So I guess I have a long way to go… but god, I’m so lonely. Angela told me once that I only choose to be lonely, which I don’t always understand. I mean, if I am so desperate for company and try to seek it, how could I choose to be lonely when I’m the one being pushed away by other people? I didn’t choose that. I don’t know what I do wrong, why everyone always goes away. I haven’t cried so hard in months until last night on the drive home. I contemplated on visiting a few of my old dealers, seeing what I could get. I mean, hey, I have money falling from the fucking sky since graduation, I could buy whatever I wanted. I could try something new. In the brief moments of clarity I had throughout the drive I thought very seriously about going to Arizona for a while, until all my money was run out and just bum around in my car until I could steal enough to come back, if I cared enough to do so. This all seemed like a very good idea at the time, and I almost did it. But, in my fit of over-reacting hysteria and emotional outbursts, I forgot. I seemed to be on auto pilot, and ended up at home.

The question of whether I relapsed or not is still very confusing. One drop of wine. Just a taste. Does that count? I don’t know. I do know that if that already opened bottle wasn’t empty, the whole thing would’ve been gone. As would the vodka in the freezer, and the rum on the counter. And then my drunken self would’ve gone off in search of any pills, followed by overwhelming shame and grief and guilt, then followed by self mutilation, and then most likely either overdose or suicide. Not a good cycle to be on. Especially not in one morning in my mom’s boss’ house.

I am currently feeling absolutely nothing since I left that house. I’ve been sitting around, watching American Dad and smoking cigarettes and every once in a while chuckling at my computer screen. Not feeling too bad, not feeling too good.

I hate myself sometimes.

Here, have some pictures. I’m done bitching.