Hetherbether's Blog

Prozac nation. | June 30, 2010

There is so much that I need to get off my chest. I’ve been holding everything inside, and I’m tired of feeling like all my emotions are locked inside my gut and my heart and my mind. All these things are playing through my head, stressing me out and making me restless and irritable and angry. My mind is not clear, and I’m making impulsive, unwise decisions when I know that I bills to pay and important things to take care of. I feel so guilty, and yet I make these mistakes over and over again. I’ll never learn.

I’ve felt lately that the AA meetings aren’t doing it for me anymore, but I think that’s partly my disease trying to talk me out of the rooms, and partly because of my medications. I don’t feel the same as I did the first time around. In a meeting, I feel restless and I just want to run out of the room and go home or isolate. I’ve become this tightly wound, emotionless husk, and I can barely feel anything at all. I’m so used to feeling so much, what seems like ten times more than some people feel, but how would I know. I want to cry, I want to be enraged, and I want to tear up with joy and I want to connect with people. I feel like I’m pushing everything away, and I’m either not able or not allowing myself to relate or connect with anything or anyone. I’m afraid to talk to people and be honest out of fear of the thought that they might say or do something that will make me feel worse or make me feel like I’ve been punished.

I haven’t signed up for classes at CSN, I spent almost all my money which I need to save for gas, car insurance, and my speeding ticket. I’ve developed a relationship with an incredible girl that I can’t have and I feel so guilty. I’m not even supposed to have a relationship, but I can’t help who I fall for. I had no intentions of things ever getting like this. I go out and ignore my step work and my chores and all these things keep on turning over and over in my mind and it’s eating me away inside. I’ve abused my anti-anxiety medication so I could fall asleep at night and turn off my brain. I need to tell somebody, I need to get this out, or at least start fixing some of these things, but day after day I sit here and I think things are going to change and things are going to be different and oh, I just have to let them play out and stop trying to control everything. I don’t know what the right thing to do is anymore. I lie, I steal, I don’t listen, and I’m not cooperative or teachable. I don’t feel the desperation that everyone talks about, but maybe that’s because I’m just an empty shell of a person and need to get off this damn Prozac.

I hope that I’m right when I tell myself that although maybe I might not be done, if I have enough desperation and willingness to work this program, that fact wont matter and I’ll be able to work on my recovery. I just want someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay, that I don’t have to go back out, because I am just so scared. I’m terrified of myself. Absolutely paralyzed. I’m still so sucked into my disease, but everytime I start doubting the program or the like, I try to remind myself, this is exactly where I’m meant to be. Although this is definitely a low-light of my life, I’m right where I need to be, for whatever reason, and that I have a God that will take care of me as long as I ask for his help and try to keep moving forward. Even if I fall flat on my face, I’m still moving forward, and that’s all I can hope for. I know that some day I’ll get out of this rut and my mind will clear and my heart will be at peace, but first I have to fight through it and whatever I do, not pick up a drink.

I need to get back in touch with everyone I talked to everyday, and start reading and writing and going through the steps and talking with Cheryl and actually sit through meetings and listen to what the message is, and most importantly work on my spiritual health. I want to try so hard and work my ass off and finally say I can feel peace and happiness in my sobriety. I don’t want to kick and scream my way through this anymore. I want to want this. No matter what I feel though, I hope that I keep enough sense to stay sober no matter what and try my hardest to do what I need to do. I need to shut up and listen and do what I’m told, or I’m never going to get the quiet mind and peaceful heart like so many others that I look up to. I want to be done with my drinking and using career and I want to be truely, thoroughly happy.

Of course all my problems wont magically disappear. No matter what, life happens. I just need to get out of this self-pity bullshit and start thinking with a clearer mind and make good, sound decisions that benefit me and the people in my life and, hopefully, make things a little easier to deal with.

Well, I’m feeling a little bit better. This little rant was kind of all over the place, so I hope it doesn’t sound too stupid lol.

Off to start on my step work! Woooooot!