I am much too tired to write this out on paper like I usually do, so I’ma type it.
Me and Andrea kinda did a dine-and-ditch thing today. It sounds retarded, but we felt so guilty and so embarrassed, just to see the looks on our friend’s faces, and have them look at us and go, “That’s stealing,” and just looking down and going, “…Yeah”. Then almost being kicked out by one of the waitresses, and trying to make up this lie about why we were sitting at the table, and I’m just thinking to myself, why am I still lying about this? Why can’t I just come clean and apologize? This lady knew, she KNEW, she was getting a load of bullshit from me, and I just kept on going. We bolted as soon as she left, and I knew that everyone was watching us leave and talking shit. I was so, so embarrassed.
In a way, though, I suppose it was a humbling experience. Or at least that’s how I look at it right now, I’m not sure if that’s the way I should be viewing it, but I guess I’ll find out in the morning. I get to realize that I’m only human, and I still do fucked up things sometimes. I make mistakes, and I can learn from them. I can have the courage and the humility to come clean about the stupid, dumb shit I do and have someone tell me, You’re okay. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, it’s already happened and you can learn and grow from this and move on.
It may seem stupid, and in a week I’m going to laugh at all this, but it’s still a lesson learned, and I’m grateful. I’m so grateful for what this program has given me. I can look my friends in the eye, no matter what they say about me, and say, Hey, I was wrong. I was wrong for stealing and probably embarrassing them in the buffet and in front of their friends. Today, I can forgive myself for shit like this, and I can move on and not worry about what other people think, because today all that matters is what I think of myself, and what God thinks of me. I was running on self-will, and this was a very effective wake-up call.
I don’t know where I would be, or who or what I would be, without this program.
