I don’t know why I miss her so much. I haven’t seen or talked to her in months. I don’t really know what I’m holding onto; my love for her, or the heartache she left me with. I want to talk to her, to tell her that I miss her and that it’s not impossible to be happy with her. I’m not gunna lie, I want her back in my life, but I know that she’s happy (well, hopefully), and I just want her back for my own selfish reasons.

Why do I even post these things? I guess I just hope that she still remembers my exsitence and maybe checks on these every once in a while… but I doubt it.

I give this heartache 4 more months. If it’s gone, then I’m sure I’ll be fine. If it’s still here… then I don’t know.

Periwinkle misses her skuzzlebutt. </3

Oh well. Back to work.

I want a motherfucking girlfriend. Goddamnit. Ugh… I know I’m only choosing to feel lonely, but I just really really really want someone in my life, to hold hands and kiss their cheeks and stay up late having really hot sex. Pretty please?

Me and Andrea kinda did a dine-and-ditch thing today. It sounds retarded, but we felt so guilty and so embarrassed, just to see the looks on our friend’s faces, and have them look at us and go, “That’s stealing,” and just looking down and going, “…Yeah”. Then almost being kicked out by one of the waitresses, and trying to make up this lie about why we were sitting at the table, and I’m just thinking to myself, why am I still lying about this? Why can’t I just come clean and apologize? This lady knew, she KNEW, she was getting a load of bullshit from me, and I just kept on going. We bolted as soon as she left, and I knew that everyone was watching us leave and talking shit. I was so, so embarrassed.

In a way, though, I suppose it was a humbling experience. Or at least that’s how I look at it right now, I’m not sure if that’s the way I should be viewing it, but I guess I’ll find out in the morning. I get to realize that I’m only human, and I still do fucked up things sometimes. I make mistakes, and I can learn from them. I can have the courage and the humility to come clean about the stupid, dumb shit I do and have someone tell me, You’re okay. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, it’s already happened and you can learn and grow from this and move on.

It may seem stupid, and in a week I’m going to laugh at all this, but it’s still a lesson learned, and I’m grateful. I’m so grateful for what this program has given me. I can look my friends in the eye, no matter what they say about me, and say, Hey, I was wrong. I was wrong for stealing and probably embarrassing them in the buffet and in front of their friends. Today, I can forgive myself for shit like this, and I can move on and not worry about what other people think, because today all that matters is what I think of myself, and what God thinks of me. I was running on self-will, and this was a very effective wake-up call.

I don’t know where I would be, or who or what I would be, without this program.

I’ve felt lately that the AA meetings aren’t doing it for me anymore, but I think that’s partly my disease trying to talk me out of the rooms, and partly because of my medications. I don’t feel the same as I did the first time around. In a meeting, I feel restless and I just want to run out of the room and go home or isolate. I’ve become this tightly wound, emotionless husk, and I can barely feel anything at all. I’m so used to feeling so much, what seems like ten times more than some people feel, but how would I know. I want to cry, I want to be enraged, and I want to tear up with joy and I want to connect with people. I feel like I’m pushing everything away, and I’m either not able or not allowing myself to relate or connect with anything or anyone. I’m afraid to talk to people and be honest out of fear of the thought that they might say or do something that will make me feel worse or make me feel like I’ve been punished.

I haven’t signed up for classes at CSN, I spent almost all my money which I need to save for gas, car insurance, and my speeding ticket. I’ve developed a relationship with an incredible girl that I can’t have and I feel so guilty. I’m not even supposed to have a relationship, but I can’t help who I fall for. I had no intentions of things ever getting like this. I go out and ignore my step work and my chores and all these things keep on turning over and over in my mind and it’s eating me away inside. I’ve abused my anti-anxiety medication so I could fall asleep at night and turn off my brain. I need to tell somebody, I need to get this out, or at least start fixing some of these things, but day after day I sit here and I think things are going to change and things are going to be different and oh, I just have to let them play out and stop trying to control everything. I don’t know what the right thing to do is anymore. I lie, I steal, I don’t listen, and I’m not cooperative or teachable. I don’t feel the desperation that everyone talks about, but maybe that’s because I’m just an empty shell of a person and need to get off this damn Prozac.

I hope that I’m right when I tell myself that although maybe I might not be done, if I have enough desperation and willingness to work this program, that fact wont matter and I’ll be able to work on my recovery. I just want someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay, that I don’t have to go back out, because I am just so scared. I’m terrified of myself. Absolutely paralyzed. I’m still so sucked into my disease, but everytime I start doubting the program or the like, I try to remind myself, this is exactly where I’m meant to be. Although this is definitely a low-light of my life, I’m right where I need to be, for whatever reason, and that I have a God that will take care of me as long as I ask for his help and try to keep moving forward. Even if I fall flat on my face, I’m still moving forward, and that’s all I can hope for. I know that some day I’ll get out of this rut and my mind will clear and my heart will be at peace, but first I have to fight through it and whatever I do, not pick up a drink.

I need to get back in touch with everyone I talked to everyday, and start reading and writing and going through the steps and talking with Cheryl and actually sit through meetings and listen to what the message is, and most importantly work on my spiritual health. I want to try so hard and work my ass off and finally say I can feel peace and happiness in my sobriety. I don’t want to kick and scream my way through this anymore. I want to want this. No matter what I feel though, I hope that I keep enough sense to stay sober no matter what and try my hardest to do what I need to do. I need to shut up and listen and do what I’m told, or I’m never going to get the quiet mind and peaceful heart like so many others that I look up to. I want to be done with my drinking and using career and I want to be truely, thoroughly happy.

Of course all my problems wont magically disappear. No matter what, life happens. I just need to get out of this self-pity bullshit and start thinking with a clearer mind and make good, sound decisions that benefit me and the people in my life and, hopefully, make things a little easier to deal with.

Well, I’m feeling a little bit better. This little rant was kind of all over the place, so I hope it doesn’t sound too stupid lol.

Off to start on my step work! Woooooot!

So I guess I have a long way to go… but god, I’m so lonely. Angela told me once that I only choose to be lonely, which I don’t always understand. I mean, if I am so desperate for company and try to seek it, how could I choose to be lonely when I’m the one being pushed away by other people? I didn’t choose that. I don’t know what I do wrong, why everyone always goes away. I haven’t cried so hard in months until last night on the drive home. I contemplated on visiting a few of my old dealers, seeing what I could get. I mean, hey, I have money falling from the fucking sky since graduation, I could buy whatever I wanted. I could try something new. In the brief moments of clarity I had throughout the drive I thought very seriously about going to Arizona for a while, until all my money was run out and just bum around in my car until I could steal enough to come back, if I cared enough to do so. This all seemed like a very good idea at the time, and I almost did it. But, in my fit of over-reacting hysteria and emotional outbursts, I forgot. I seemed to be on auto pilot, and ended up at home.

The question of whether I relapsed or not is still very confusing. One drop of wine. Just a taste. Does that count? I don’t know. I do know that if that already opened bottle wasn’t empty, the whole thing would’ve been gone. As would the vodka in the freezer, and the rum on the counter. And then my drunken self would’ve gone off in search of any pills, followed by overwhelming shame and grief and guilt, then followed by self mutilation, and then most likely either overdose or suicide. Not a good cycle to be on. Especially not in one morning in my mom’s boss’ house.

I am currently feeling absolutely nothing since I left that house. I’ve been sitting around, watching American Dad and smoking cigarettes and every once in a while chuckling at my computer screen. Not feeling too bad, not feeling too good.

I hate myself sometimes.

Here, have some pictures. I’m done bitching.

I’m off to go cry myself to sleep.

I have been so caught up in myself lately, so far into myself, that I haven’t even been able to recognize the severity of it until tonight. I have been so self-centered and isolated that my disease took over my mind and thoroughly convinced myself of so many things, I can’t even begin to make a list. I’ve been so erratic and so manipulative and self-destructive. For this last week, the first thought I have when I wake up is, “Alright, what can be wrong with me today?” I constantly put myself down and cry out for attention from others and then push them away. I know, it doesn’t make sense to me either. I put myself in situations and relationships that I know are unhealthy for me, that I know hurt me, but the hurt is comfortable.. I’m used to the hurt and the fear, I don’t know anything else. I don’t know happiness with another person, I don’t know happiness within myself, and once I find that happiness, I immediately try to find some way to fuck it up, because I feel like I don’t deserve that happiness, I feel guilty for it. Now I know, and I hope and I pray that it will stick in my head tomorrow, that my disease has convinced me of these things, and that, for some reason, some greater power chose me to go through all of this, and to use it to help other people, not to harm myself over and over with. I’ve been so selfish. I expect everything from everyone, and I give nothing in return. I want to cry and cry so people will comfort me and love me, but that’s not the way to be loved. I need to give love, I need to give understanding and comfort, rather than seek out those things.

Tonight was so powerful. It made everything so clear, so easy to understand. All I can ask for is to be able to carry out what I’ve learned tonight, as painlessly and as selflessly as possible, and let go. Above everything, I need to let go.

You know what? I just realized… after a whole week of agonizing headaches, I finally don’t have one anymore. I love this. I wish everyday could be Wednesday.

These past 30 days have been the hardest, scariest, most overwhelming, most amazing days of my life. I’ve let go of people I never thought I would have, and gained more friends than I could’ve imagined. I’ve swung back and forth through so many emotions, which were buried for so long. I’ve craved, I’ve yearned, I fought, trying to convince myself that I didn’t have a problem so I could drink again. I had a hard time accepting the fact that I could never pick up another drink for the rest of my life. At first, I didn’t believe it. Without the knowledge I’ve gained from AA, in my first few days, I felt like I could learn to become a normal, social drinker. Haha, Heather, very funny. I know better now. There’s still not an hour that goes by without at least one thought of drinking or using or hurting myself passes through my head. I dream about it, I obsess over it. But my mind has become clearer, slowly but surely. The fog is leaving and it’s easier for me to think. I’ve laughed more, I’ve cried more, I’ve smiled and frowned and screamed and punched more than I have in a long time. All these emotions rushing back, and not most of them good ones. It’s very difficult, but I have my friends, I have my mom, I have Angela to talk to and knock some sense into my head, to help pull me out of my self pity and not baby me.

The only constant emotion I’ve had the past 30 days is gratitude. Gratitude towards Angel and Cassie for sitting me down that morning after blacking out, gratitude for my mom taking me to the hospital and being supportive this whole time. I’m so grateful for the hospital and everyone in the AA meetings. I’m incredibly grateful to have Angela in my life, and for those Wednesday nights with the best coffee in the world.

I’m so excited for the next 30 days, and the 30 days after that, and then 6 months, 9 months.. one year. I’m trying to live day by day, and one year seems like forever.. but I know it’ll be right here under my nose in no time. All I can hope for is that I stay sober today. I have no control over yesterday or tomorrow. Just today, that’s all that matters.